When I get to see you, I will get that feeling…
I’ll be shy at first, probably come off as rude and arrogant. It’s a defence mechanism. I’ll get around from talking to you to talking with you. It’s going to be slow, not chaotic and harried, but steady yet spontaneous. The chemistry will grow, and I will get that feeling…
I’ll look at you in my t shirt with nothing else on but your French knickers, and I’ll get that feeling. While you smile at me as you fix yourself some coffee, how your hair falls perfectly covering one side of your face, how you can’t be bothered… I’ll look at how you come home and just ask me to hold you without wanting to tell me what’s making you feel down. I’ll hold you, and I’ll get that feeling. I’ll walk past a pink lemonade stand while on my lunch break at work, and knowing that’s your favorite drink base, I’ll get that feeling. Your random bursts of “you know I love you right?” Your taunts when Arsenal is losing, annoying, but yes, it’ll give me that feeling… I feel it when I sleep, I feel it when I wake, I feel it when i’m at peace thinking of my future, nay, our future. I’ll feel it when we hug, I’ll feel it when we kiss… Yes, I’ll feel that feeling… I’ll feel it when I toss and turn that night, the night before I ask you to marry me… you see, to you this was just a scheduled vacation. Fancy, but we are used to this. So you wouldn’t suspect a thing. I’ll pace about the hotel lobby and lie by the pool thinking about how you’re about to change my life forever, how you’ve already changed my life forever, and I’ll get that feeling… you’ll say yes, we’ll kiss, and our honeymoon night?
What a beautiful feeling…

But…

I won’t always feel that feeling…
I won’t feel it three years in, when you begin to think your career superceeds your duty as a wife, as a mother…
I won’t feel that feeling when you cancel on yet another date night because the proposal has to be ready the next day, funny how there are always proposals to be turned in the following day preceeding our date nights everyday for the past year.
No B, I won’t get that feeling.
I won’t feel it when you leave the duvet to warm me because you “want to be well rested for your presentation tomorrow”. Why you have to work is beyond me. I hustled as a bachelor and set up various enterprises to avoid this very scenario. We’re still set up for life even if you never work again. Not feeling this right now, not at all.
I won’t feel it when you come to tell me you’re going on another work retreat. And that you won’t be home for two weeks. I won’t even answer you. I’ll keep at my wine and my book, till you walk out of my study irritated that I payed you no mind. Kinda used to this by now…
I won’t feel it when our three year old kid has me his dad at his kindergarten mother and child workshop. Because you had to be in New York for a once in a lifetime opportunity to meet your CEO. I won’t feel it when the nanny tells me our son called her “mommy”. Babe, I will not feel it.
So when I take your car for a quick run to the mens club, and I find a saved message on your car mobile dock saying “You know we’re meant for each other, that kiss in the elevator was not a one-off as you claim, meet me at the grecco suites tonight” I’ll look at the date and see that it was sent today. I’ll come back home, obviously not feeling it, waiting for your next move. I’ll feign being oblivious to your conflicted demeanor. I know you’re torn inside. You’re actually contemplating this? Wow, Not feeling this… I won’t feel this when you slowly come to tell me you have to run back to the office because you forgot a file.
I’ll smile…
The “me” before I met you would be too egotistic. He’d let you go… serve you divorce papers and leave with his son. Pay you more than enough for you to disappear into the nothingness that you are… He’d obviously not feel this…
You see babe, there’s only one problem… I’m not in this for a feeling. I did not ask you to marry me because I felt butterflies in my tummy. This is not a feeling, its a decision. And this means, that i’m going to fight. I’ll do anything. Best believe I won’t play fair. I swear that I’ll make you look at me the way you once did. And this is because I have DECIDED that for better or for worse, its you. And because of that decision, I will fight for you, I will fight with you… and I will win. You know this. I WILL WIN because this was a DECISION, NOT A FEELING…

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