It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving
someone that your heart’s still loving
When forever is through,
I’ll be over you

I got a message from a friend today. He’s a younger brother of sorts. That message sent me down memory lane. He talked about how he was in love with someone. Knowing him, he really is in love with this chick. Takes a lot for him to get open about his feelings. I could sense it. The instagram picture which he posted in which he was holding her proved my point. My guy is whipped. So as I was having my music fix this evening before bed, Efa’s “over you” came on. The lyrics made me ask myself if I had ever felt that deeply for someone. As deeply as my friend is feeling. As deeply as the song potrayed. The answer is yes. Let me tell you the story.

It was back in school. 3rd year. I met her. Long story short, we dated for a while. She wasn’t my first girlfriend. But she was the first girl I truly fell for. I was insane for this chick. Literally insane. I call it insanity because of the guy i’ve become with age and experience. Only insanity can explain some things I did in the name of love.

Coming to the US and working all summer, saving all my money so I could take her somewhere nice for a weekend. That was nothing, I had insane plans for us. Lofty, ludicrous plans. So when it ended, it’s safe to say I almost died. In hindsight, I guess it hurt more because she cheated on me with someone else, and someone whom I, at the time, considered to be less of a man than me. Not saying I now consider him more of a man than me. I’ve just realized there’s no scale for these measurements.

My world crashed. Each time I saw her with him, my chest would feel literal pain. So after about 3 months attempting to win her back, I gave up. I gave up my belief in love, in trust, in truth. No girl was worth my heart anymore and even if one was, she’d have to make do with a broken one.

I went on a player spree. I dated about 6 girls in the space of 3 months. Mostly simultaneously. They were all just play things to me. I became an ass-hole. A standard Bastard. Here was I, pastor, now a playboy, it was pitiful. I lost God in that period. Thankfully, He never lost me. I regret those actions till this day. That guy was not me. I’m not that guy. So after I calmed down and regained my sanity, I psycho analyzed myself. That’s a process I’m still under. The conclusions so far are as follows;

I can’t ever feel that way for anyone again.

The reason I can’t feel that way is because I’ve matured.

Feeling that way is unhealthy. No one human should have that much power over another human. I Have a better perspective of the things that matter. God, family, getting ahead. That’s been all I care about for a while now. And seeing as I’m not doing too badly in all three aspects, I’m happy.

Every guy needs one good heart break. You can’t keep your head in the clouds forever. It’s unhealthy for a man in my opinion. A man should exude stability. So when she has emotions running amok, you can be her anchor. I see these kids talk about love these days and try my best to be optimistic with my advice, but it always turns out to be a brutal pain-fest at the end. This is not me saying I don’t believe in love. Trust me I do. But I don’t sunscribe to butterflies in a tummy. Feelings, which are known to change like the wind, should not be the basis of love. So I know this and now my view of love is more matured, more stable. Love has become something I can decide to give. That’s control. That’s the way it’s meant to be.

I really do wish him (my friend) the best, but I know that budding romance isn’t going anywhere. I feel for him. Because it will hurt like mad when it ends. But its going to be for his own good. He has a future to build. Chicks will come later. Tend to the garden first. You’ll see her when HE puts you to sleep. In the interim, Tend to the garden. Eve will come when she will come…

But to be honest? I miss feeling stupidly and irrationally in love with a girl.

Advertisements