The thing with forgiveness is how blurry all the lines seem to be. What exactly is forgiveness? When can we be said to have trully forgiven? Is it true forgiveness if caution is thereafter taken in such dealings? Isn’t forgiveness a synonym for stupidity?
My friends (two of them) and I were talking recently. We had a vacation early this year. They were planning an encore for november. I declined stating the financial implication as my reason. The convo went like this from there:
“Friend1: Dude, don’t piss me off. You’ve forgotten you’ve told us how much you earn?
Friend2: Yep, you can definitely swing 3 more vacays with your salary. You’ve got no kids, no wife, what are you doing with your money?”
I went on to brush it all aside because I frankly don’t like getting into it. But when I got home, that question, or should I say, the answer to that question, opened up a wound I thought I had closed a long time ago.
My friend was right, and wrong at the same time. I’ve basically become the bread-winner in my family. I’m responsible for my sister’s school fees. Just bought her a car. Cash. Fully paid. About to do the same for my mum. It breaks my heart when I hear she has to take public transportation because that “bucket” she drives won’t start. The mechanic keeps saying “madam, e go better make you just buy another car throway this one”. My brother is there, needing money every once in a while for school.
My friends and I think alike. We all have well documented business plans with start-up dates fast approaching. The difference is they’ll go to their fathers for capital while I’ll go to… well back to my capital generation bullet point in my business plan. Frankly speaking it will all come down to God, and luck and fate.
This brings me back to the title of my post, Forgiveness.
My father is not rich, so it’s not like he can solve all my problems. But he’s well able to more than shoulder his responsibilities with my sister and mother and brother. Yet he chooses not to. He doesn’t even know if I’m alive right now. That’s not what I need to forgive him for. I frankly don’t care. I love my space too much. My problem is, these responsibilities have fallen on my shoulder and made me lag on my timeline for my goals and personal projects. I’m here being a father and husband when I should be a lot further along my entrepreneurial path.
I have to play roles that weren’t mine to begin with as if having no overly wealthy benefactor was not enough of a business challenge. I at a point borderline hated my dad for this. The hate grew less as I became more financially stable. But statements like that of my friends open these wounds. Have I forgiven him? Honestly, no. I hate that I have to be a man at 23. I hate that he’s living “la vida loca” and I’m here trying to make sure my mom doesn’t get arthritis from public transportation. I hate that my colleagues think I’m miserly to myself for driving what I drive. I hate having to think. I shouldn’t have to think.
When it all boils down to it, I really haven’t forgiven this man.
God help me.
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