So I got up to a little mischeif and decided to make one of my friends laugh. She asked for a declaration of love so I decided to oblige her with one. Well, not me neccessarily, more like, the-me-if-i-was-a-blunt-raving-but-ultimately-passionate-pseudo-literate. That’s a funnier version of me. Her name was changed to ensure her privacy. All typo’s and grammatical blunders are intended.


Dear Janet,

How are you and how is your family. I hope they are all fine. How is school and how are you enjoying your stay in canada? I am sure you are fine and everything is going on well. If so, glory be to God.

The purpose for my writing this letter is to inform you of my love for you. Janet the first time i ever set my eyes on you, i thought you had a big nose to be honest. I didn’t really start liking you till i saw that all the boys on twitter were liking you. Then i decided to find out what is making everybody like you like that. I have seen that your big nose and big lips is not a problem and that i can cope. But let me not lie, i like the way you smile. That time all your cheekbones will just jump out. be making somebody feel like touching it and squeezing it. i remember the day everybody was yabbing you on twitter that you did not have breast. Janet, i was very sad that day. i don’t know why people will just be wicked like that. They yab your bride price into extinction that day. but it is well. Jehovah sees all, and Jehovah is just.

Janet ehn, anytime i see your picture on instagram i will just be smiling, thinking to myself, “she has good child brearing hips”. your pictures always make me happy. As you are uploading i always get more convince that you are my wife. I remember that time you were in the hospital. my heart jumped when i saw the picture. It was a very sad time in my life. then i remember when i was in the hospital after i just had accident, i went to your instagram to look for inspiration but when i opened it, i saw you hugging a man. ah, Janet, i almost died. I love you truly my darling.

You are the reason i still log onto twitter. Anytime i see your tweets i don’t know how to behave like a proper somebody anymore. Joy just fills my heart. it pains me that you say you love like half of twitter boys because i am a jealous man. i cannot share you with anybody. i promise to make you so happy you will stop talking to all those boys.

Hopefully one day, Janet Anuofia Nmaramma, I will have the mind to ask you to marry me. don’t worry, it will not be a cheap ring. I will be those cartier jewelry people. It will be very expensive but you are very expensive too. I hope that you will say yes, because ehn, Janet, i will just die from happiness. If you say no i will die too, but from sadness.

Let me stop here as i know you are a very busy woman.

I love you sha, just know.

Yours sincerely,

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