I’m tired.

I have no idea why I thought this won’t be tiring.

Okay that’s not entirely accurate, I knew it’d be tiring. I just didn’t think I’d get tired of getting tired. I know that’s confusing but stay with me. My strength really isn’t failing , and at this point I’m more scared of potential setbacks to my prison break than any actual circumstances befalling me at the moment, of which there are none noteworthy. I’m in a stable phase, a “calm”(those usually precede storms but lets stay positive shall we?) if you will. And that’s a good thing, the calm, not said storm.

So why am I tired?

Spoke to my best friend at length today. He’s in his final year of med school. His biggest problem right now? A woman. Let me spare a paragraph and digress on this matter.

I’ve said this time and time again. I haven’t seen reason to change my stance. If your only problem in life is a love/relationship problem, i.e finding a partner? YOU HAVE ZERO PROBLEMS IN LIFE AND YOU HONESTLY NEED TO FUCKING GROW UP! What the hell is your problem? Crying that a girl or guy left you or didn’t want you or is with someone else? I feel like slapping such people or giving them real problems like a disease, or drug dependency or hunger and starvation or poverty so they have something to cry about. See I’m no cynic and when it’s time for me to honestly fall in love again I will really put in all the effort I can to make it happen, but in my opinion, except your life is exactly where you want it to be you have no business having “Love” as your number one priority.
It’s pulpit rhetoric for anyone that grew up in church to say “Adam tended to the garden and when it was time for eve God brought her himself and put him to sleep”. See, as much as I HATE Christian rhetoric, that bit is true. Spend your life making your life better. Not looking for another human being. That just seems desperate abeg. And irritating. Stop it. STOP IT!

*Woosah* *Woosah*.

Back to the matter,

I’m tired of being the mature one.
Being the ear to everyone’s problems. Being the mouth of counsel. Being the pocket for bread. Being a father. Being a husband. Being a mentor. Praying for everyone. Caring for everyone, spending on everyone. Thinking for everyone. Planning for everyone. And honestly, it’s the length of this that tires me. I have a timeline for the rest of my prison stay. But even after that, I know it doesn’t end. Joseph got to the palace and instead of reprieve he started taking care of a whole country, and indirectly, the whole world. I see it coming. But as much as I know it’ll be heavy, I know it won’t feel heavy. It’s just like right now, when people who know everything on my neck tell me how heavy the load I’m carrying is, I smile but if I’m being totally honest, It doesn’t feel heavy. Not because my strength is greater than the burden, or my resources more than the needs, but I just don’t feel like I’m carrying a load I cannot bare. I can’t explain it. It’s a load, but I don’t feel weak. I don’t feel like I’m carrying a load. Yes, I am tired, but not physically, I only get tired when I think of the future loads to carry, tired when I think of how big my responsibilities are, tired when I juxtapose said responsibilities with my age and experience. It looks like I should have failed. No way I should be handling these things. But alas, I’m here, still standing, not physically tired. Like when I stop looking at all that, and only look at the here and now, I’m doing quite well, and the journey out of prison is laid out. That timeline is progressing smoothly, so why do I feel I should be tired? Yes, that’s it, I’m not tired, I really am not, everything I said in this post, about how tired I am, it should read “how tired I feel I should be”. Because I’m not tired, I don’t know where this zeal is coming from. I don’t know where this strength is coming from. It’s obviously not mine. I’m not this strong.

Maybe this is what they call Grace…