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“From the center of all that I am, 
I am thirsty, I am thirsty…
Come to drink from your waters, I am…

Thirsty, thirsty…”

I’ve never been one to cry a lot. Ever since I was a kid I never used to cry much. I remember the day it stopped for me, crying that is. I was about seven. Mumsy had spanked (lol @ “spanked”) me for something I don’t remember. She didn’t spank much so it must have been something serious. Anyways, the usual routine was to keep crying till she came to hold and console me. She would spank me then come later to console me when she felt I had cried enough. It was set in stone. So I sat there, crying, but really waiting for her to say sorry for spanking me.

I waited, and waited, and waited some more, then she broke her silence…

“If you’re waiting for me to say sorry it won’t happen. You did something wrong. Understand that it was wrong and stop waiting for me”
Wawuuu,

There are moments that shock a young child out of innocence, that was one.
This world is a cruel place.

I started with that story because it gives a premise to why I never cry. Or feel sad in general. I’m a very solution oriented person. Crying is never a solution. Nugwa mummy isn’t coming to tell you sorry. Get up and do something about it and stop feeling sad. That has been my life philosophy for a while, and it’s worked. When there is a sorry situation, I carve out a mental action plan and focus on that. I usually never feel sad, as long as I focus on the solution and not the problem. However everyone needs to process emotion. Somehow, someway. And the fact that I very rarely feel sad no matter how bad things are means I needed an outlet. I found that outlet to be the place of worship…

“I’m desperate for you right now
I’m so desperate for you right now…
So I give you glory, give you glory, then your river flows and fills my heart, with your worship,

Give you glory, only you can satisfy…”

Now many a time I usually don’t even know that my tears in the place of worship are just me unloading emotion at the feet of my master. I learned that recently. I also justified it by saying, “yes, crying solves nothing. Prayer, that’s different. And when like Hannah, your prayers come out in the form of groaning that cannot be coherently uttered, it’s even more powerful. So crying in his presence is allowed”.

“So I worship, when my heart is dry, when I’m thirsty. 
I worship you lord.
I’m desperate for you right now
I’m so desperate for you right now…
So I give you glory, give you glory, then your river flows and fills my heart, with your worship,

Give you glory, only you can satisfy…”

It’s allowed because sometimes you don’t even know what the prayer should be. You just cry and go in tongues. You don’t know the solution. But you know you need him to fix it. And right there it’s ok to cry. Whether you’re crying because you’re in awe of him, or it’s because you need help and your soul is groaning, right there, it’s ok to cry. He knows, he hears. He’ll do something. It might not be what you want, but it will be something. And that “something” will dry your tears.

“I will pour the oil of all my precious gifts 
ooh when my heart is dry, when I’m thirsty yeah, 
lay down my glory and use it wipe your feet…

So I give you glory, give you glory, then your river flows and fills my heart, with your worship,
Give you glory, only you can satisfy…”

I have been “worshipping” for the past 20 hours. TY Bello’s “Thirsty” has been on replay. I’m in a conference room at work right now… “worshipping”…

I haven’t been in this much pain since Jemimah.

“From the center of all that I am, 
I will worship, I will worship..
Come to drink from your waters, I am…

Worship, worship you now.”

I need Him to fix this.

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